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Sometimes I don't think it counts

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    Ryan Moulton

    It’s really difficult to come to terms with the feelings associated with abuse, particularly when you’re not able to fully divest yourself of the blame of the abuse.

    When I was in my late teens, I was homeless due to being gay and not fitting into my family’s requirements of the person I should be. I found myself in a new city, having hitchhiked from a small town to get away. In a time of vulnerability, I turned to someone that I thought could give me guidance and support.

    What I got instead was a situation that I could not control. In a sense, to avoid a violent situation, I sold my body for a place to sleep. The man was older, more powerful, and knew he had control. I was a teenager with nowhere to go but the streets, and my little time on the streets was enough to tell me I didn’t want that life.

    I still feel like I was old enough to know better and should never have put myself into such a compromising position. I never should have allowed him to film me performing sexual acts. I was a minor, but I was not completely dumb, and yet I acted dumb.

    When I finally started to resist, I was tossed out. Unceremoniously, like garbage, thrown to the street. Told I was useless and trash.

    It’s been over 18 years since that happened, and though I think most of the time I’ve come to terms with it, it still comes up when I’m feeling vulnerable. I feel like trash. I feel like a piece of used and soiled garbage.  Weird how those things stick with you.

    I hope that’s not inappropriate to share here. I’m new to the platform and not really sure what the protocol is.  Feel free to delete this if need be.

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