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Coming to terms with an absence of elders | Rick Belden.

|I’ve been thinking recently about the deficiency of appropriate, effective male
mentoring in my life and how it’s affected me. I’m 52 and it’s still affecting me, just as
it’s affected me at every stage of my life. There’s a huge hole in my life where my father
should have been (and still should be), but as big as that hole is, it’s merely the center of
a much larger hole, the product of a male culture that is woefully inadequate to meet
the true needs of men and boys.

I’ve managed, during the course of my life, to get some of the mentoring I needed from
older males in bits and pieces, here and there. I had two or three good male teachers in
grade school and high school. There were uncles who helped me out at a few very
critical points during my childhood and teen years. My father and his father taught me
about building and fixing things and going to work every day. That was better than
nothing. But there’s a lot more to being a man than that.

The majority of the mentoring I’ve received in my life came from an older male therapist
I saw for several years who helped me learn to work with my dreams. I suppose I could
say that I’ve also received some virtual mentoring from older males, mostly authors and
musicians, whose work I’ve followed, appreciated, and admired without ever meeting
them in person, and whose examples have inspired, taught, or initiated me in some
fashion. Robert Bly spoke about this sort of mentoring
in absentia (in his case it was
Yeats) in the
Gathering of Men program with Bill Moyers twenty years ago.

Of course, mentoring for hire and virtual mentoring are not the same, not by a long
shot, as what I needed and ideally would have received from a community of elder men
who knew me, cared about me, encouraged my development, and spent time with me
in person on a regular basis.

I don’t know how that experience can be replaced or recovered once those men are
gone, if they were ever there. I think several generations of men are trying to figure that
out right now. I also think that a recognition of what
we needed and didn’t get, and a
coming to terms with the powerful feelings of anger, grief, loneliness, disorientation,
and disappointment that may accompany that awareness, is a good place to start.

I’ve come to feel that part of that process of healing and restoration, at least for me, has
to do with finding ways to give younger males whatever mentoring, encouragement,
and assistance I can. I’ve recently begun to realize that, in spite of the fact that I still feel
incomplete, confused, and inadequate at age 52, I actually have something of value to
offer younger men, and furthermore, that they
see me as having something of value to
offer them.

This came as a bit of a shock to me at first, but as I’ve begun to realize the truth of it and
operate more out of that place, I’ve also begun to see that offering younger men what I
did not receive myself, as contradictory as it may sound, is another way for me to
address that hole in myself that I referenced above.

The generation of men that preceded mine failed me and the men of my generation in
many ways, as they themselves were failed by the generation that preceded them, and
so on back through the decades. Maybe those of us who have felt those failures so
acutely, and suffered for them as a result, can find some ways to bridge the gap
between the men who preceded us and those who follow, and thereby receive some
portion of what we were not given by giving it to others.

October 5, 2016